why didn't you poke me back
what, no i told him that it wasnt nessesary to put all 5 fingers in my vagina
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
I don't plan to be alive for 2010 so ima say this 12 hours early. Happy New Year bitches
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
Note to self glow in the dark nail polish can be quite the mood killer during sex especially when you notice its working for the first time and you stop everything your doing to do spirit fingers
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
I was told that I need a reference for my blow job skills. Be expecting a phone call tomorrow.
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
Randomize
