3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
i found waldo and immediately set him to work eating me out. please have more out of season costume parties.
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
Randomize
