Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
i love beer. I convinced myself that I'm going to ace the exam tomorrow. I can't even do that when I actually study.
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
I don't even think NICOLE made a fool of herself last night...
your aware she lit herself on fire, right?
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
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