is your mom at the bar?
you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
you kept looking at stripers and saying " Go to College"
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
Okay! I've got my sketchbook, my purse, my coat, and a knife hidden in my cleavage. I'm ready for to meet my blind date~
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
Just played slippy cup. Flip cup plus slip n slide. What did you do with your fourth of july?
Sadly he is straight as an arrow that is designed by a robot computer from the future with lasers.
This saddens me. Mostly because I want to see the schematics on that robot.
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
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