I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
With a few pieces of metal and duct tape and a bong was created
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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