well, 500 bucks doesn't grown on trees, and i need that bear suit for any chance of vagina access.
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
It is scary how often "just flash him" is your advice.
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
My guy issues hinge on tonight's game. Caps win, it's Dustin. Rangers win, Josh. I even flipped a coin to see who got what team
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
You sluts I'm so proud of you. You're both wearing underwear.
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
Randomize
