i'm starting to get pissed at how pandora is trying to force coldplay on me
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
Imagine that my comprehension level is that of a 7 year old and explain your plan again
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
id one day like to live in a world full of emotionless and wonderfully fullfilling sex...
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
We played a 4 hour game of True American then we fucked on the floor for a couple hours Happy 20th to me
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
Randomize
