I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
my vagina has been out of service for wayy too long... this semester needs to start like right now
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
A friendship for the ages born on how horny we both are
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
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