my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
It would be worth it to see how drunk he is right now.
He cartwheeled into the side of the neighbor's garage.
Ok, i'm coming over
Chicken burrito, or no deal.
Is that code for my vagina?
Who the fuck has ever referred to a vagina as a chicken burrito
I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
Randomize
