You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
he had to fake a sneeze attack to hide the fact he came in 15 seconds?!
so its atleast an 8 for creativity.
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
my goal is to masturbate without thinking about my exbf.
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
We just reached that moment of the night when you start making cookie quesadillas. Party on Wayne
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
I've never had someone have to dis-arm themselves before I sucked their dick prior to that
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