Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
i said good morning to each one of his abs personally
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
My tits became the mascot for the SAE house last night.
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
i black out too much to be "responsible"
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