What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
Chelsea passed out in the kiddie pool. Just added around 28 boxes of jello powder. Will let you know how it works out
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
Something I can get at drive through, boobs out, don't want to get out of the car
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
Working from home has been great for my sex life! A few of my neighbors are in open marriages and several more wish they were!!!
Randomize
