Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
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My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
Its not even 10am and we are talking about what guys assholes we would finger.
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
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I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
you asked me how to turn on the ladder
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