i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
We are going out Saturday. Oh and we might also be jousting on bikes.
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
TJ is going to paint me in a Patriots Jersey he can paint you in an eagle jersey. Did this last year and got so much dick.
so on the street and some kid is chanting "cheeseburger, cheeseburger, cheeseburger!" while pumping his fist in the air. i agree.
Randomize
