You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
I'm playing a game where i judge myself by whats in my cart. Also have 3 bright red giant buckets
I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though.
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
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