after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
your blue lips and tongue was their first indication you were probably underage
HEY THERE IS NO AGE LIMIT ON BLUE SLUSHIES
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
Congrats! Its a fuck boy!
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
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