I'm sorry my penis didn't work
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
I drank mimosas and played bocce ball in the middle of finals week...now i know how Comm majors feel all the time.
where are you?
Hypothermia
Me. blonde. Sex. Dance floor.
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Randomize
