I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
I an in a belgian bar and i cant understand shit. Trying to talk to strangers. Getting drunk until we all speak the same language. Brace for updates.
True enough. Do you ever think that these girls grandparents ghosts are watching you masterbate to their granddaughters and look at you in Shame?
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
I came so hard my ears popped.
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
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