I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
He walked into the party with a case on one shoulder and a boom box on the other of course I fucked him
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
Randomize
