Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
this will be a night to untag.
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
Hey if there is a better reason to go drink then "I've been fucking robbed!" I have yet to hear one. Also, I've been fucking robbed.
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
Randomize
