i have it on good authority that she is not as good at giving head as she claims she is
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
Well I woke up naked, with a santa hat on, and a bag of beef jerky next to me. So yeah, I would say it was a pretty successful trolley
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
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