after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
Went to use to bathroom and walked in on karaoke. Two girls singing "a whole new world" to each other in the shower. I'm gonna miss this place in the summer
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
just used clorox wipes to give myself a whores bath. hello finals week
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
Your normalization of crazy is frightening.
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
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