I like my sex mixed with concussions.
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
It's no longer hooking up, we have definitely graduated to Sport Fucking....
Oh and apparently something happened that was related to "THIS IS SPARTA" but no one will tell me what I did.
So I'm going to blame my boobs hurting on that.
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
Randomize
