Don't come here someone got drunk and rolled the keg to buger king. no more beeer
I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
Gordon Ramsey's restaurant in NY is $150 each for the chef's menu
So you're taking me there this weekend?
oh, looks like he just opened a new restaurant right by us- it's called "McDonald's". Must be scottish food.
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them
I think we need to dedicate ourselves to building your stamina back to uterus breaking level
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
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