I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
I was just tongue fucked into oblivion.
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
Randomize
