i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
Just sponge bathed with a swissper. Thrush inevitable. Shaking.
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Randomize
