the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
okay, this is the fifth time he asked if it was in yet. maybe i shouldn't have dated a blind guy.
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
I fucked him while wearing his hat. I love the navy
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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