Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
Just used the D.E.N.N.I.S system successfully.
Life after highschool has not been kind to her. She looked fatter than Luke Wilson's face in those AT&T commercials.
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
It would be one hovered percent delicioui
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
You also hate cartoons and musicals, so I will take that to mean the movie was as awesome as I thought it was..smoke weed
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
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