just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
Drank a beer through my butt, how's your initiation going?
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
can i get licensed in dentistry online like a priest
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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