You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
So Ive decided I have serious issues. Im walking around the school with a bag labeled booze money collecting from people while slightly hungover at 8:20 in the morning, and nobody is questioning me.
i think of them as a grilled chicken salad and a fried chicken biscuit. obviously Amy is better for me, but when i'm eating her all i can think about is how much better the blonde must taste.
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
Looking forward to meeting the person naked and passed out at my kitchen table.
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
last thing I remember is yelling 'sit on my face' through a traffic cone
he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
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