She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
went to the gyno and found out that i have a birthmark on my clit. its like god gave guys a little help when it comes to getting me off.
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
its so sad we are done celebrating 21st bdays everytime one of us turned 21 everyone else got laid
He goes to Columbia so regardless of how he looks I should fuck him right?
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
I think we might need a safe word for this...
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize
