Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
Ever since I discovered that youporn works on blackberry, my brickbreaker skills have gone to shit
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
I will give you 100$, a blow job a day for a month and I will shave my legs according to societal standards until next November if you come recuse me from my night class right NOW.
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
I'll give you some leg action but I'm not showing you anything else until your penis admits it loves me
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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