she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
Just bought a waterproof mattress cover. Bring it on sophomore year.
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
I'm gonna try Jim's breakup remedy this weekend.
Is that the one where you drink 3 cases of beer and rewatch as much WWE RAW as you can find? Or the one where you hookup with fatties on Craigslist?
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
I can not believe he edited a picture of our three way and made it his profile picture
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
Randomize
