My god. We'll be gay porn millionaires.
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
I'm stuck on a cliff. I'm not sure how I got here or how to get down. Please send help. And clothes.
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
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