so i woke up thsi morning with a phadora on my head, no shirt and a huge hangover? want to help me figure this out?
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
It was like fucking a house. Down the chimney. That deep and empty.
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
judging by the mobile uploads you added of me last night, we cant keep living this way.
So ahh..."Multicultural Night" turned into "Fuck the Neighbor Night"
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
ill let you put your finger in a lot of things. but a ring is not one of them.
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
Randomize
