Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
I love seeing the creepers that friend request me outside of facebook. its like seeing a unicorn in the middle of campus.
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
No more going to class sober.. Tried it for a day or two, its just not for me
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
I didn't really understand how big 10 inches is. Now I know.
Randomize
