I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
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