I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
I didn't realize how much I missed him until his balls were back in my mouth..
What?? I'm covered in blood at the hospital, I atleast deserve a pic of someones boobs
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
You need a sexual gate keeper
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
She's wear your skin crazy! Is it wrong that I'm gonna fuck her 1 more time though?
Randomize
