I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
It sucks..Now I'm depressed because appearence wise, she's the closest to my favorite pornstar I'll ever get..
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
he's doing fine. just headbutted the wall and threw up
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
Randomize
