Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
I may only be a second year med student but I feel very confident in calling that a micropenis.
We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be?
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
We're not piercing ourselves today.
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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