I think I'm going to die by hangover. I'm in my spanish class. So I guess I'm going to be muerte.
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
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