I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
the funny thing was, all i remember was a liter of vodka and going to oneonta for the night. then 2 weeks later bam, i get a letter banning me from campus for the next 4 years. awesome convorsation with my dad to wake up to.
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
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