my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
Your lower body and my face have had way too much contact lately.
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
Text me some of your sweat
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Randomize
