The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
ME TOO. Am adrunk madr out qith. White guy. Guy de white. Blanco chico. Chico de blanco
studying for my Anatomy final and masturbating to Japanese porn are practically the same thing
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
Randomize
