There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
I am NOT losing my v-card to a guy who doesn't know my ass from my elbow.
Randomize
