cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
my girls lil sis wanted to play hide & seek. she told her 2 go hide. we went to the room and had sex. she was hiding under the bed.
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
