who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
don't worry, i have a range rover and a brother hopped up on steroids.. we can solve this little misunderstanding quite easily.
Then he told me he was 40. I'm not sure if I have enough Daddy issues to go for it
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
Whats the name of the guy with his hand down my pants?
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
Randomize
