I just googled maps his house, and took the virtual tour back to my apartment, just so I could visualize the walk of shame in the morning
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
Working from home has been great for my sex life! A few of my neighbors are in open marriages and several more wish they were!!!
Randomize
