seriously this is one of those moments where im glad i dont really talk to or know the people i sleep with
Alex, there's no such thing as a fancy sex store.
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
The band last night was really good
That was definitely karaoke. Guess that answers my follow up question on how drunk you were.
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
Well, if it's rabies, your lips will swell just prior to the frothing. Get a lot of good pics!