we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
This guy has a retainer. We're golden.
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
Definitely Got caught hugging a strangers tree last night with 5 others.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
He usually doesnt care about me cumming but last night he really tried, I feel that him going to the Womens March benefitted my sex life
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
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