oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
win or lose for butler, i'm still masturbating to brad stevens tonight
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
Yea we just broke up
so do we start sexting now or later?
so i might have figured out why that girl isn't talking to me...I'm 90% confident I didn't give her a pillow when she stayed over >.>
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
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