I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
Might just stay in and drink cuz of the hurricane. Yea I think Wisconsin might be safe but its a good reason to drink.
He likes bondage and spanking and shit.
Oh, so "normal" kinky not "I wanna pee on people" kinky. I can handle that.
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
Randomize
