Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
check off brunette on the list of girls tht hit me with there cars and then fucked me later
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
He's in the hospital yelling at his brother to at least have stuck something "normal" up his ass.
Again?
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
They were so huge my eyes were just drawn to them. Boob gravity man.
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
Thanks again for the coffee and orgasms
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
Randomize
