he showed me his boner with his cell phone light during the movie.
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize
