You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
you never know what sharing a kayak could lead to
It's true
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
Randomize
