I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
In other news, I just burned my penis
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
Randomize
