I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
How much cunt could a cunt bag punch if a cunt bag could punch cunt?
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
Well, she chose the fuckboy life or the life chose her. Not sure which one but either way I don't need that negativity in my life.
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
Randomize
