just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
Bc when the owner of your local gay bar and a drag king ask you to take them to a rival gay bar 2hrs away at 4 in the morning YOU GO.
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
Theres a free llama on craigslist. Are you in or are you in?
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
dude im trying to eat his ass so can you stop for 10 minutes
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