Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
I need to stop taking drags of other peoples cigarettes, it's such a tease. Like playing just the tip, you just can't
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
Friends don't let friends drunk sleep in the dorm common room
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
I have dined. Now I want to get fucked.
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
She's better-looking with the mask on.
Randomize
