i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
I'll hook up with guys I don't even like, as long as they leave early enough the next day.
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
IF SOMEONE ASKS YOU IF YOU WANT THE GOOD DRUGS YOU SAY YES.
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
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