Why are there hot girls at the dollar store?
The recession has changed everything man.
onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
TLC. RIGHT NOW. PRIMORDIAL TODDLERS.
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
he drunkenly pissed himself on the deck, in the bathroom, and on my couch within the span of an hour
its like an avodart commercial...maybe he has a growing problem
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
How many weeks is it acceptable until I can start bringing freshman back?
Never visiting again. You guys drink like immortals
Wearing the flip cup varsity team sweatshirt was the best descision of my life.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
Randomize
