I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
do you think they ever dumped Gatorade over Michael Vick's head after his dog won?
Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
how do i tell her that i need alcohol to fuck her but at the same time i cant get a hard on with alcohol.
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
This means I've slept with 2 ppl that live in vans...my life is complete
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
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