omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
when im bored during the day i often think, what do people who dont get high do with their day.. i came to the conlcusion that everyone must be getting high
but, i was nude. you really should respect my stupidity and delete them. please.
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
Why is there not a 'day after acid' genre. Or even a pandora station or something.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
We need a hype man... Like a DMX type dude to just up the ante constantly...
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
Randomize
